Hate and Pity
by sqbr
Summary: Death has a way of changing your perspective. Aradia/Equius, more black than red.


Before she died, Aradia had barely noticed Equius except as some vaguely creepy blueblood that hung around Vriska. He'd shown up once or twice when they were flarping near Vriska's hive but Aradia had been too busy watching out for Vriska's lusus, let alone Vriska herself, to pay him much attention.

Vriska had tried to get Equius to play once, but he had gotten all snooty about it being a game for girls and lowbloods. He'd looked significantly at Aradia and Tavros when he'd said this last part, though he'd looked away again quickly enough when Aradia had returned his sneer with a cold glare.

"Oh, but Equius," Vriska said mockingly, "Without your strength how will Terezi and I defend ourselves against such terrifying foes? I mean look at Tavros here, I'm quaking in my boots!"

Terezi rolled her eyes and Tavros flinched. His arm was still healing from the last time they'd played against the Scourge Sisters.

"Oh, be quiet Vriska," said Aradia. "I'd always heard that you highbloods were so much better than us lowbloods, with your strict codes of conduct and honour and refined language, but so far all I've seen from you is bullying and pettiness. But I suppose it doesn't matter if you swing the odds unfairly in your favour by adding an extra team member, since you were just going to cheat anyway."

Equius looked at Aradia again, but not with a sneer this time. He blinked and wiped his forehead and said "The lowblood is right. For me to join your team would be unsporting behaviour unfit for one of my rank. I…I have to go."

As Equius walked quickly back to his hive Terezi slapped Aradia companionably on the arm. "Thanks, Aradia," she said. "Trust me, if he'd joined the Scourge Sisters we would ALL have been losers. That guy is so creepy."

"Whatever," said Vriska. "We don't need him to beat these losers anyway." And then she pulled out an attack pod that Aradia was _sure_ wasn't allowed at her level and after that Aradia was too busy to think of Equius again.

One of the things that had drawn Aradia to Sollux was that he understood what it was like to be constantly pestered by the voices of the dead. Aradia had tried to see the ability she'd been given as a duty and a gift, but sometimes the weight of the dead's expectations and gloominess had been more than she could handle, and she'd always felt much better after listening to Sollux rant amusingly about how the dead were a bunch of whiny douchebags.

This attitude was rather less comforting once she was dead herself. Aradia knew that she was now everything Sollux despised: almost entirely free of emotion, coldly accepting of her morbid destiny, and uninterested in normal social interactions.

If she wasn't dead, she might have found it upsetting. As it was, talking to Sollux just left her feeling a little emptier than usual, she was left with a vague melancholy mixed with frustration. He refused to accept that the way the dead saw the world was no less valid than his own. Sometimes she felt like trying to explain it to him, how all the things she used to think were so important just felt ephemeral now, and that there was a comforting peace to be found in accepting her role as part of the doom and destruction heading towards their species. But part of that role was keeping her death a secret, especially from those like Sollux who were necessary to setting their doom in motion. And truth be told, a small part of her preferred him not to know that she was now just another annoying ghost.

Vriska knew the truth of course, but having her think she was one step ahead of everyone else just made her easier to manipulate. The only other person who found out before the game started and the apocalypse was put into motion was Equius.

centaursTesticle [CT] began trolling apocalypseArisen [AA]

CT: D - Aradia

CT: D - It may seem strange for one of my b100d to seek out the company of one as low as yourself

CT: D - but I must ask you a question

AA: 0k

CT: D - Forgive me if this seems strange or overly personal but

CT: D - are you dead

AA: yes

CT: D - Oh

AA: how did y0u find 0ut

CT: D - Vriska told me

CT: D - She claimed responsibility and said that you had brought it upon yourself by assaulting her with the spirits of the dead

CT: D - Did you do this

AA: yes

CT: D - I am surprised

CT: D - I have been observing your behaviour for some time, and you had seemed remarkably sensible and well mannered for one of your b100d

CT: D - But if you did indeed attack her then she was entirely right to kill you

CT: D - I hope you can see that

AA: it was necessary

CT: D - Yes exactly

CT: D - I am glad to see that, this lapse of judgement aside, you remain as sensible as I had previously judged you to be

AA: is that all

AA: im busy

CT: D - You are

CT: D - I had been led to believe that death freed one from obligation and need

CT: D - It always sounded very restful to me

AA: i am compelled by the v0ices of the dead

AA: the wh0le purpose of my existence is t0 further their designs

AA: its a l0t of w0rk actually

CT: D - And you follow their orders unquestioningly

AA: yes

CT: D - Oh my

AA: d0es that b0ther y0u

CT: D - No

CT: D - We all have our duties to fulfil, and very few are willing to perform them with the requisite obedience

CT: D - The fact that you are willing to do so even beyond the boundaries of death is

CT: D - Uh

CT: D - Inspiring

AA: 0h

AA: well I still have to g0

CT: D - Of course, I would not wish to keep you from your duty

CT: D - But

CT: D - Would it be ok if I contacted you again

CT: D - Just to talk

AA: i thought the c0mpany of l0wbl00ds tainted you

CT: D - Normally yes

CT: D - But perhaps I could assist you in your duties

AA: that seems unlikely

AA: 0r perhaps i sh0uld say

AA: y0u are destined to help me whether y0u try t0 0r n0t

AA: but 0k

CT: D - Wow

CT: D - I mean

CT: D - Good

CT: D - I will speak to you again later

centaursTesticle [CT] ceased trolling apocalypseArisen [AA]

Kissing Sollux had been one of those things that only seems like a good idea when you're five sweeps old and still figuring out the whole deal with quadrants. But it had been nice. Sollux had tasted of cheap snacks and energy drinks and had blushed and looked embarrassed and they'd never spoken about it again.

Kissing Equius didn't taste of anything at all. The robot body he'd built Aradia didn't even have tastebuds, just sensors that notified her of the chemical constituents of any substance that went into her mouth (in this case: saliva, sweat, milk, and blood) She wondered for a moment why he'd bothered giving her a tongue, it wasn't like it had any relevance to the vocal synthesiser in her throat, but then she realised he'd added it so she'd be better at kissing.

Aradia pulled away from Equius and dropped him to the ground. "You disgust me," she said.

She was so _angry_. Angrier than she'd been since she died, possibly even angrier than she'd ever been when she was alive. What had he done to her? She was still dead, these emotions were like an amplification of the vague whispers of feeling her ghost self had felt rather than a return to the more balanced emotions of a living being. But they were so _intense_. Anger, frustration, disgust and and other feelings she'd rather not examine flowed through her like, well, the blood that now ran from the hole in her chest. His blood, her sensors told her, the same that welled from the scratches she'd left on his face.

"I, uh…" said Equius. He'd gone very pale, and was breathing so heavily that she thought he might faint. He reached his hand towards her chest.

Aradia bared her teeth.

"You're bleeding," he said. "I need to put in a new blood pump and seal up the damage or you'll lose all your fluids and…malfunction. Uh. Is that ok?"

"What will this _new_ heart be programmed to think?" she asked.

"Nothing!" he said. "I promise! And I'm sorry I did that, I just thought…" Equius trailed off looking distressed. He stopped for a moment and put his hand wonderingly to his lips, then got a more focused look in his eyes as he rooted through his sylladex for spare parts.

As Equius connected a myriad of wires and valves he described the robot body's workings, getting Aradia to test out her various functions with barely concealed pride. He was pathetically eager for her approval. And whatever she thought of _him_, Aradia had to admit that she was pretty pleased with her new body. It was a remarkable match for her old one in terms of shape and feel, but incredibly strong, with complex sensors and analytical tools that would be invaluable during the challenges to come.

Once he had finished sanding down the surface and carefully wiping off the blood Equius stood back and asked "Do you like it? I mean, apart from the, uh…"

"It will do," said Aradia. "But if you ever try to alter my thoughts again I will kill you in your sleep."

He frowned and looked as if he might argue but then thought better of it. Good.

Aradia had gotten to know Equius pretty well during the long lonely period since her death. He was one of the few of her old circle who didn't find her dead self annoying or depressing. In fact he barely seemed to register any difference between her being alive or dead, he was more concerned with the colour of her blood, despite the fact that the body that had held that blood was long since dead and rotten.

In a strange way he reminded her of Sollux. It was like there were two Equiuses: the powerful, domineering, status obsessed blueblood he liked to present himself as, and the submissive needy wriggler he was underneath. Aradia wouldn't have minded the submissive side, and might even have appreciated his occasional bursts of kindness, if it didn't all come laden with so much obnoxious hypocrisy and self loathing. As it was she only resisted the urge to slap Equius again by reminding herself that he'd just enjoy it.

Equius stared at her in open longing, but did not come any closer.

The red feelings he'd programmed into this body to start with were, thankfully, gone. But god help her Aradia couldn't help but feel some pity for Equius nonetheless. Curse him and his blood. He was so pathetic, so miserably trapped by the conflict between who he was and who he wanted to be. And however twisted and horrible his ways of expressing it, Equius was pretty much the only person in any universe who seemed to care for Aradia the way she was now. This should, by rights, have filled her with despair, but luckily despair was not one of the new emotions her body was equipped for.

"I have to go," said Aradia.

"Where?" he asked.

Aradia didn't answer, and instead turned away and lurched awkwardly towards the edge of the platform. Moving around with a body again was going to take some getting used to.

"Aradia!" said Equius. He grabbed her by the arm. "As your matesprit I demand that you tell me where you are going and when you're coming back."

Aradia grabbed his arm with her free hand and twisted it until she could see the muscles straining against his skin. "You do not control or command me, Equius," she said. "And I am not your matesprit. I'm at best your kismesis. I'll return when I feel like it."

Equius's face fell. Oh, this was much more satisfying than beating him up. But Aradia's blood still hummed with the need for violence.

Now that she'd regained her ability to feel anger Aradia wasn't quite so happy with the way the ancestors had manipulated her into this destiny, and the thousands of deaths that lay ahead of her in it. The sick feeling of her inevitable doom still curled tight in her belly, though that belly now was filled with cables and steel. She felt like smashing something. Something big, like a mountain or a planet or someone's soul. Maybe if she kept smashing things she might break something important enough that she could bring down the whole stupid system and finally find some peace. And if not she could at least relieve some of her boredom while she was at it. Perhaps with another snooty blueblood whose comeuppance had been too long coming.

Aradia flew up and up, so that Equius and then the platform he stood on dwindled away into a small black spot beneath her, and soon all she could see was the vast empty purple and black nothing of the sky.


End file.
